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It's like Lion Country Safari, except with rednecks
HuffPost is hitting the road with 23-city bus tour through Middle America
342 replies and sub-replies as of Jul 15 2017

Keep your hands inside the vehicle
After viewing the ceremonial rain dance, make sure to visit the gift shop for genuine authentic-style Middle American souvenirs
You need scoutman Bwana? Me talk native tongue, keep you safe
"If you turn to your right, you will see an edifice the natives call 'Farm & Fleet'" OOOOOH AAAAHHH click click click clickity click
They will welcome us as liberators
Then it becomes a Walking Tour.
*Only* if you bring them sopressata and capicola on ciabatta.
Ooh what is this terrifically pungent bread dough? Mm smell Eugene! Would love to bake it in the Viking! That's cow flop. Ooh, sounds divine
Missionaries of the Light, I'm sure!
This bus breaking down in the middle of Kansas would probably be one of the best things to ever happen to the Internet.
Apologies for the hi jack. ( jesushadatattoo)
That was Twitter Thread Perfection!
First we take Peoria, then we take Berlin
to bad you have to read an entire TL to get this epic, Hall Of Fame tweet
"What are those shiny points of light in the sky Daddy?" " They're called stars Son."
I, for one, welcome our Iowahawk overlord...
Expect multiple glowing reports of insignificant woke fringe groups, and inflammatory tales of irrelevant racists and sexists.
Don't be shocked when the oppressed turn on their 'liberators'. Screaming & crying "Whyyyyy? We bring you enlightenment!" as the bus burns.
The whole point of this exercise is to confirm their comfortable prejudices, so no surprise.
Are you sure it's not to produce a political travelogue of the United States for New Yorkers so they know to sneer at the hoi-polloi?
"I'll have kale and arugula salad with non fat raspberry dressing." "We've got iceberg lettuce with ranch." "The horror. The horror."
Stops in Nacogdoches. Asks waitress, "How do you pronounce this place?" "Dare-REE QuEEEEEEn."
For some reason, I'm picturing a giant cooking pot on a wood fire.
"Oh look, mama, they have single story McDonalds'! Can we go in?"
bless their hearts
Don't drink the water or eat the cheese curds....
The cheese curds are purified when deep fried so they are safely edible and delicious as a primitive antipasto
(gasp) "What do they call those funny uniforms?" "Overalls" "How quaint"
*David Attenborough voice* The American Midwestern voter is a herd animal. Here some are congregated at what is called a "tractor pull".
"We walked into a sandwich shop and were intimidated by terms such as 'ham' and 'gravy'. Mercifully, we found a Panera outside of town."
I am from a far stranger place where it is called "Fleet Farm"
All fancy with your high fallutin Farm and Fleet Tractor Supply Store for the common man
Farm and Fleet is great. It's where I bought my cassette eating Kraco stereo and Pioneer 3 way speakers when I was 16.
My first car had a cassette-eating Kraco stereo when I bought it. Heh.
"Inside that edifice I'm told the natives are able to buy things that they need to continue with their primitive agrarian lifestyle."
Just watch their faces when you tell them there's also a chain called "Fleet Farm."
What be these things "grits" without the shrimp
Greyhound or Trailways?
Do not show them your panini, it makes them sad.
"Will there be a Kohl's on today's agenda?"
You may have noticed that many of these small villages reside near rivers and railways. There's some interesting history behind that...
What is a tractor and why do you have to supply it
"Respirator masks will drop from the ceiling of the bus to spare you the horrifying odor of farm animal droppings."
They call it fertilizer and put it on crops ... a form of tribute to their earth gods
Yes, its silly to spread feces thinking it grows plants, just pat their heads and move along
I hear the natives are rather friendly..
I love that place. It's where I used to but all of my clothes.
Shh! We are approaching the seat of their monarch. He loves there in that huge building. See his banner Rural King.
My God how I miss Fleet Farm. Don't have those in civilized Phoenix. Although from what I've seen they'd fit right in.
Please do not make eye contact with the natives. They are a primitive lot who may actually own firearms.
Except those from those from the Minnesotan tribe who are known for their passivity and niceness.
Can't wait for these city slickers to get stuck behind a combine on a 2 lane highway. Comeuppance
I want to see their expression when they see, and smell, a manure spreader.
Uncle Boones BBQ and Catfish on the left.
“Uh, tour guide, why does Texas like FM radio so much? Seems like half of their roads start with FM.”
Why do they have all the tall green stuff all most as tall as an elephants eye?
If u can't find it at the F&F boutique, u don't need it.:)
Cracker Barrel for breakfast, Bob Evans for lunch maybe Subway for dinner. Paradise on the lonely Midwestern highway.
Look, I love Asheville. Craft beer, local wine, farm to table restaurants, drum circles, The Biltmore. But Middle America? Try Fayetteville
And be sure to visit one of those round pizza farms.
Bet they'll confuse it with "Fleet & Farm".
'I say Muffy, what is that gent doing?' 'I believe it's a crude form of hot yoga...'
Aren't you worried they will dump their bus tanks of poo on your street?
Or 'Fleet Farm' if you're in Wisconsin
We need to troll them hard. Set up outhouses at each stop, tell them we don't yet have indoor plumbing out here in the boonies.
At every stop, they're greeted by future Senator @KidRock, who hands them shots of Jim Beam while Free Bird plays loudly in the background
"Drums say Stuckey's open 24 hour. Come in and look around"
Sunshine in a can is on the third isle, near the beef jerky.
Oh, and don't forget to try the sun-dried possum meat, canned by the Iowa State Highway Department.
Oh the wondrous sights you'll see
Will Robot Zuckerberg be joining in on the party with the normal folks? Food critiques by David Brooks.
Brooks will be amazed at the local's ability to comfortably place an order at Panera. He should bring his friend for exposure therapy.
What is this vel-vee-ta you speak of? I have seen the indigenous females use the term when describing something called a cass roll.
You want me to squeal like a ...what....?
Can we get a red line going across a map of this tour with highlights of each stop?
"And this here's the ceremonial meth pipe..."
Circle the buses if the natives get riled!
I hear the tour's great. This time of year you may even spot a redneck changing his oil in the wild, or pulling a tractor if you're lucky.
Those scary men in that dirty truck are staring at me! I'll take care of them....get behind me... SIMBA! UNGAWA! MOOTEEKEE BAWANGA!
Leave the huffers to the natives But someone should go and rescue The Zuck from normieland He seems totally lost
"Ham. It's a ham sandwich. It's like carpicolla in your deli, except it costs 1/8 as much. No, the pigs were not massaged with acorns."
"Please translate 'May I have soppressata in my hoo-gee?'"
Just don't be one of the guys carrying stuff on your head. That job sucks.
Did you not write a brilliant satire piece about this 'tourist journalism' years ago on your Iowahawk blog?
"Oh look, Honey. They actually use cutlery and bathrooms!"
"Remember, Bwana, when drums stop............bass solo."
I've got some Pet Rocks for sale!
When they offer you biscuits & gravy for breakfast you must eat it or you'll insult their primitive senses.
Good ol' boys in the mist
And for god's sake don't tell them you are educated.
I can't wait for the South Side of Chicago Tour.
They can pick those up at the World's Largest Truck Stop on I-80 in Walcott, IA
Try our hot dish in the snack bar!
And that's how Cider Mills were first introduced to Brooklyn.
When viewing the painting of Elvis on black velvet, please avoid laughing and pointing. It is considered sacred by the indigenous people.
Made in China, Natch
You can't find a decent frutti di mare or salsiccia secca picante anywhere out in the cornfields, though the deep-fried Twinkies are amusing
Like a fried tenderloin.
Perfect on a Prius!
Like a Cracker Barrel gift shop?
And a stop at Cheeseworld
This is basically a Cracker Barrel right?
There are humans living in the center of the continent? Preposterous.
Ceremonial rain dance
Who doesn't want a Jackalope.
Don't forget about the uneducated people that are intimidated by gourmet sandwich shops. Nevermind, those people are on the bus.
Where you can buy plastic replicas of 3 bean salad and jello w/ pineapple.
Merit light 100's and PBR, unironically displayed
“We’ll be stopping at a ‘safe space’ shortly.”
Be sure to pack enough reading material.
No mention of going to the casino?
Over there you can see a grizzly bear. Why don't you go pet him? But first take this bottle of BBQ sauce.
Ride the Ducks!
don't make eye contact
Hello, AAA? You're not going to fucking believe this.....
the potential for comedy here is incredible
Don't feed the natives any mortadella
Who? Us rednecks an sich? We will.
You done made a wrong turn.....
Heck, friend. You can't even get there from here. i.e. They aren't going to get what they expect. But they seem to like make-believe, so...
And please don't feed the animals.
Tell us when they get close so we can start moving and making sounds.
Dammit, the wipers won't get the windshield!!!!
Hit the wiper fluid button, pronto!!!!!
Bet the bus has toilet and shower - just passing through.
Maybe we can write a field guide for @HuffPost so they don't mis-identify the native species. Like Columbus did.
Nothing too deplorable: Skim'g through the article, I notice they're visit'g mostly cities that went for Hillary, avoiding "Trump country"
Exactly. They're mis-identifying "Middle America" from the start.
Which is comforting in a way. Good to know they're dependably clueless :)
going to the poverty stricken part of the Hamptons won't cut it. They should come to Oklahoma #Murica left the dog leashed to the back of the car......
Don't worry; the livestock don't roam the streets until after we roll the sidewalks up at 10!!
Probably an urban myth but there was a story about a Japanese journalist who got out of the bus to get a picture of himself with the rubes..
They say that picture still exists
Especially after they start lecturing people on how they SHOuLD think.
And do not feed the natives.
Now I need chemo, thanks
When you hear someone say "Hey boy, you gotta purty mouth" accompanied by banjo music run, do not walk back to the bus
Unless you're into that kind of thing.... no judgements
Carter, that one is showing his teeth! He's just smiling at you, Olivia.They do that in these areas. Oh dear god get me back home
Don't give the finger to redneck pickup trucks with someone literally riding shotgun.
Also, be prepared for unprovoked pleasantness, warm smiles and, dare I say it, firm handshakes from strangers. @mlcalderone
Attended tea party in jakarta for hillary in '94. One of her bright young things asked "so what is Java exactly". This will be the same
If people like him go on this tour, the commentary alone will be worth it
I suppose were all busy dating our cousins or something.
After 12 years will we finally find out if Dionne and Epstein, his guide from the Sociology Dept , ever found Von Drehle???
I hope it turns out like the movie "The Gauntlet"
Note that they are going to cities, not towns. They still don't get it.
"Look at that one! He literally has a bible and a gun!!! Better not get too close..."
Will they be wearing the requisite crocodile hunter garb?
A pith helmet and safari vest from Banana Republic.
No doubt, David Brooks will serve as tour guide.
"Yes, can I get a Padrino?" "Boy, I don't understand a word you just said."
They'll visit "Indiana" but really the ACLU in Indianapolis. Or "Ohio", but really downtown Cleveland.
Hope they don't expect anyone to be able to decipher sandwich shop menus.
"I see the role of HuffPost as speaking for really everyone." "for"
"fer evr-one"
I'll make sure I spruce up the outhouse!
HuffPo: G'day! What we have here is a redneckis inbredis. A very common species found outside Acela. Krikey! It just tried to shake my hand!
This ends with one of them falling in love with a local and tearfully telling their colleagues that they are staying and buying a bass boat
We all chuckle - and yet, we can all see this actually happening
Tour guide: "...and that unusual looking 4 wheeled conveyance to your right is referred to as a 'pick up truck' by the local population."
Guide: 'Blowing' is just a small part of it, ma'am, more of a preference. In your case, it's unlikely the native meant it as a compliment.
Hey, I want to mock them as much as the next guy. But at least they're trying. I'll give them that.
they're trying to prop up their nonexistent respectability, yes
Well, not hire-a-few-people-who-don't-think-of-Ohio-as-some-inscrutable-exotic-lost-Amazon-tribe trying, but hey, trying
Haha also a fair assessment.
Also, any expectation that this won't center on towns like Ann Arbor, MI, & Madison, WI? Leftist collegiate meccas?
They don't know any. Not possible for them to hire what is a unicorn to them
Odds are, they'll stop in safe cities on their flyover tour anyways. Greenville SC, Asheville NC, Austin TX, Madison WI, etc.
They're only hitting areas where Hillary is popular, so they're really not trying at all.
Oxford, MS and Birmingham, AL? Just looking at the bright side. Need to sometimes.
Asheville? Memphis? Even Odessa TX has 120,000 people. This tour (as expected) misses 1000% of the point.
Trying to survive. They don't give a rats patootie about "we, the people."
Safari? Did someone tell Trump, Jr.??????
"Make sure you pack plenty of dried seaweed & Bling H2O, because you won't be able to find any where we're going."
Cue the articles about hunting magazines being shown to impressionable minors
and instead of tigers, it's desperate bids to retain undeserved legitimacy
Lion Country Safari. Is that still around??
Lion Country Safari is celebrating 50 years this year!
I went to @LionCountry in CA when I was five or six. Memories.
I look forward to all the lame cliches from the HuffPo staff.
Traveling as a pack will inoculate them from all the cooties.
“If you should hear the phrase, 'Y’all ain’t from around here, are ya?’, don’t make any sudden moves, but get back to the bus ASAP."
Aww, @HuffPost thinks they're elites.
I will be waiting for the banjo and "Deliverance" references.
No that's Baltimore
Depending on the pending 9th Circuit decision, you may owe the monkeys copyright royalties for this post.
My go-to source for all things monkey-legal.
Huffpo..... throw them the lunch before they start rocking the car😬
"A lot of us are thinking about journalism" -- better late than never, I guess.
Did you know a hippo once escaped from Lion Country in Irvine? I don't think it ended well.
Height of condescension. Wait until they figure out that on Safari, the lions don't use baseball bats when climbing on the buses.
Oh that's rich! HuffPo isn't the epitome of the elite talking to the elite? Or those who consider themselves elite etc
"Or those who consider themselves elite"
That dog is blinking "Help me" in Morse code.
Stripes are slimming. Stripes are slimming. Stripes are slimming.
Elbow patches are awesome. Elbow patches are awesome. Elbow patches are awesome.
Can't wait until they "discover" sweet tea!
Keep windows tightly rolled up, and whatever you do, don't feed them.
"We walked into the diner and saw items like perogies, brats, and booyah. Cindi asked if we should eat elsewhere and I nodded anxiously"
What are these grits of which you speak
Is Zuckerberg their tour guide?
"Can I git mahself a huntin' license he-ah?"
At the Whippy Dip "I'll have a Padrino, Pomodoro, soppressata, capicollo on a striata baguette with Oil and Vinegar" "We got hamburgers.."
My mother in law went back to her native Texas from years in LA. When she ordered coffee. Waitres said We don't have decaf honey
"Tofu or turkey?"......"No, just beef."....."Eeeeekkkk!!! They are barbarians!!!!"...runs, screaming into the night..
Is that a mini salami? It's a hot dog What part of the hog is it from? The parts can't nuthin else be made with
"I didn't know they had Best Buy's way out here!"
Not gonna learn much from a 'CITY' tour of the country.
Warning: there will not be avocado toast
Hope they use stun darts and not real bullets. Just capture the flyover subjects for close observation and humane testing. Then release.
Big whoop.....article states its gonna focus on places that went for exciting!
I still say the best example I've seen of that literary genre is "Heart of Redness".
Thinking the same thing. Time for Burge to do a sequel.
On Sumday, they gather together in strange buildings that have crosses on their roofs. No, dear reader, they ARENT KKK come to find out!
Yes they will have bags of Fritos, Cheetos & pork rinds with which to feed the beasts they encounter.
I hope they moon the bus!
Yeah, that'll be a hit. A bus? Don't any reporters have beat up Volvos?
It's Subarus now
It's been Subarus so long Volvos are back in? Actually, in recent literature , it's Saabs. Who cares?
Always good to know who's who in the zoo
This will all end in tears and long pig, like the Donner Party.
There's no chance this bus backs over Mark Zuckerberg, is there? @mlcalderone
So who is the "Frazier" character in this safari? Someone in Leisure World?
This is total BS. I wouldn't talk to them if they needed directions.
They called themselves if they can come down to the level on which we dwell.
The are in for a rude awakening when the realize the people are just as smart and have lots of guns
I live at the corner of Redneck and Deliverance. Turn right on Peckerwood, look for Buck's Grain Elevator, then follow the goat path.
Remember the Clinton campaign dumping their shitter on the street? That was a class act all around.
These people are so out of touch it crazy
Their stories are already written. They're just looking for some visuals to make them appear authentic. Wise to them in KS.
I rarely see any reflection of myself in the MSN......
First stop Iowa? Hope they don't get lost in the corn maze and hear the dueling banjos
Will they be stopping by Kid Rocks trouble wide
Bring Chevy Chase and Anthony Michael Hall or GTFO
LOL, HuffPo? In fly over country? WHY? LOL
Be sure to ask the locals where the best latte is. Oh, and you might possibly see a (OMG. OMG OMG!) a GUN!! And maybe a cow!!!
Midwesterners in the Mist
Hey HufPo: :Did you know you could see actual conservatives in your own back yard? Just stop bullying them into silence and they'll open up.
Pfft. As if PuffHo's want THAT to happen...
I think the Lions may be eating this unarmed group!😝😝🤣🤣😂😆😆
Elites, or what we rural folk call, "big-city types," always discuss the hoi polloi like anthropologists would a primitive culture
I'm sure they won't have even a hint of "othering" in their reporting.
Wait! White people eat Mexican food out here? They know what a taco is...but they don't own a Panini maker!?! Wild!
What's the under?
"Don't roll the window down!!!"
This thread - excellent.
I hope they try to set up "teach-ins" at every local Grange Hall along the way to enlighten the rubes.
I can't wait for the ceremonial planting of the arugula in every town square.
I love how they casually namedrop being in the East Village, altho their office is in a big comm'l bldg in what's really plain old Village 1
Like they're trying to come across as all edgy when they are so very not. Then again, neither is much of the E Village these days /2
Just got the itinerary! BONUS: All meals are included in the tour, with food and beverage pairings personally curated by Guy Fieri
These were great Dave, perfect 😅😅😅
But, just think! To go from San Francisco to LA they have to go through Salinas!🤠
Curtains up and nap time while going through the Central Valley.
I actually saw this tour, one of the journalists let me eat pork rinds right out of his hand
Why do I get the feeling that the reporting on this will sound/look like a Borat squeal?
We will eat and commune in local Diners and Eats where pathfinding NPR correspondents and presidential campaigns have met local folk.
"Will they have capicola or mortadella?" "Yes, but out here they call it 'baloney'"
I hear tell Larry the Cable Guy has signed on as a scout.
Trying to decide if I should be in bib overalls and with some hay between my lips as the Huff cruiser comes through the area.
BYOB .... Bring Your Own Barista
Don't get out of the bus except in designated areas and DO NOT feed the rednecks
HuffPost goes on Safari.
Predicted headline: Obama was Right, Those People Cling to their Religion and Guns. First person interviewed will be named Cletus.
What they really need to do is spend some time doing blue collar work or try running a small business.
Translation: "We are trying desperately to remain relevant in the sea of current events, as our POV drifts further Left, so viva Americana!"
They should call it, "The Smug Explanation Tour," & do away with all pretentiousness.
"You'll see sights you've never imagined!"
If nothing else, they'll realize that being a hipster is not aspirational for 98.9% of the country, so I call it a win.
Or more like "Rubes in the Mist".
Huffy Post...the flyovers, red necks, gun toatin', Bible thumping Christians can see thru your lying,pandering, propaganda BS.
"...and on your left you can see a grouping of what would refer to as "escorts"
They think 'elite' is a compliment. Drips with such utter condescension...
I hope they don't forget their passports.
That is so damn funny!!! You win!
Don't let Big Bubba sit on the hood of your car!
They got their first taste chasing after @SarahPalinUSA on her American historical sites tour.
I foresee stories about grits, trucks, corn fields galore! With lots of descriptions of heat and humidity.
Interesting species in Middle America: Pipe-fitters, mill operators, diesel mechanics, village drunk, and the dude who drives 71 Vega
The Huffington post is no Ali G
Nor Jack Kerouac!
Lion Country Safari, or Heart of Darkness?
As a couple of others have noted, Heart of Redness.
Huffpo really trying to understand
Have fun"out there n middle 🇺🇸"touching base w the non-elites➡️I'm fluent n their language if u "E Villagers" need translation
They're going to Killary cities cause they can't take too much of the REAL middle America! What do u expect from Huff n Puff 😂🤣😂
Wait till they find out the most important thing on people minds everyday is the weather.
<over loud speaker> "You'll notice in your gift bag there is a laminated food guide & easy sandwich translator prepared by David Brooks"
Doubt I'll see them around my area. If they come to my house I'll be at work, they come to my work they won't be comfortable
✔shotgun ✔rifle ✔4 wheel drive
Mutual of Omaha's 'Wild Kingdom' without the tranquilizer guns😂
While I stay in the air conditioned Subaru, Jim will attempt to communicate with a group of locals standing by Casey's General Store!
Updated reboot of Deliverance?
Will they bring back specimens for trophy room?
Maybe they can get the Greiner brothers to drive their vehicles down to Aintree for them.
To quote Katie Couric from years back, flyover country was referred to as the great unwashed!
The new-caught, sullen peoples / Half devil and half child ....
Heart of Darkness II
They won't last through Tennessee, let alone west of the Mississippi River. It will be epically hilarious.
This should be interesting!!!!
#HuffPoInTheHeartland I've donned my Dian Fossey hat in order to attempt to write another installment of Conservatives in the Mist. I'm off!
They'll be disappointed when they discover Hee-Haw wasn't a documentary.
Look at the trailer trash, eating with their hands and using something called "ketchup" with their pomme frites.
Getting down and dirty with the proles don't you know.